40 Years Of Agony
by charlenecher728
Summary: After Edward leaves Forks, Bella is struck with devastation of being alone. Just when she thinks she's got it all under control. Those honey golden eyes reappear on her doorstep. Do they still have the same effect after 40 years? M for maybe future smut?
1. Shock

"Why? Why have you come back now after 40 years? What the hell happened?" I said, trying to hold my emotion within me, trying to hide the fact that I was still, despite of time, desperately in love with him.

"Of course, I'd be here. Where else would I be?" He answered nonchalantly.

Ha. Score one for the vampire. Of course he would say that, he wasn't the one that waited for the love of your life for 40 years. 40 years of agony, not knowing what to expect, if I was to expect anything at all. 40 years of blackness, of nothingness. No messages, no voice mails, no letters. Not a whisper of where he was or who he was within the last 40 years. Guys have came up to me and asked me out, but I rejected every single one of them. Why? Because I was still convince he would come back one day. I spent my college life, doing nothing. I suppose you couldn't really call it alive when you spent every single minute of your non-school hours in your room studying or moping over someone.

"Hm. Of course you would say that. And you just expect me to open my arms and welcome you back into my life. Why are you here, Edward?" It hurt a little to say his name out loud. I don't understand why since it was his name I screamed every night, every minute of everyday.

"No, Bella. Why on earth must you think like that? I'm ready to grovel, to beg for you to take me back."

"No, Edward. No. I waited for you. For a whole 43 years. Now you decide to come back. Why? Just so you can have a place in my life before I die? Well, news flash for you. No, Edward. I am not having you in my life again. I am not going to go through what I did 43 years ago again. That took me 10 years to get through. Every single day, I thought about how I could contact you, try to track you down. I wondered what I did that made you leave. I cried at night at the memories of us in the meadow, I cried during class when I remembered how you first spoke to me in Biology, I cried everyday at the memories of us together, you and you family and Alice. So you just expect me to take you back after all of that. Because, for once, Edward. You have no idea what I went through. No idea. So don't just strut your stuff back here and expect to be accepted again." I said all of that with all the strength I had. All the strength I saved up over the years since I finally decided that I wouldn't shed another tear for him. I couldn't bear to hear what he has to say. I just couldn't let him say it, because I know that even if I let one word of his get to me, everything I worked for all those years would go straight in the bin.

So I shut the door in his face. But I broke my promise to myself. After I closed the door, I slid down the door with my back. Why? At the age of 53, I would still have the heart of an 17 year old, yearning for those set of cold, strong arms around me. The tears that I held back, that I dreaded finally came down, covering my face. I let out a helpless sob, screaming for nothing. I hated myself to be here again, after all those years of therapy was all a lie, a pretense. Now the cold, hard reality was back. Looking to destroy and crumble my life. Once again. Only this time, I'm not sure if my heart could take it. But then, not that he's back, I can never be sure of anything in my life from now on. I don't understand how I could still hurt over someone that I haven't seen for 40 years. I don't understand why I get this urge to run straight back into those hard, stone arms that belonged to me 40 year ago. Even so, I don't understand why he's back on my doorstep like he was 40 years ago today.

As I said, reality was hitting me cold and hard, making me doubt everything I had done for the last chapter of my life.


	2. Realization

That night, I dreamt of Edward Cullen, again I should say. Over and over, even I've lost count of how many days I craved for his touch. His icy touch that made my body tingle the way that shouldn't be allowed. For the last 40 years, I lived in Forks, in Charlie's house, waiting for that one single person be come back to me, to tell me that he's made a mistake. And eventually, tell me that he wants me. All of me, every single piece that he's broken. I even remembered how Mike waited for me after-school when he left. Mike was the one that waited for me by my truck, he was the one that held my hand when I was about to slip on the icy pavements, he was the one that told me that he wanted me- no matter how long he had to wait. And of course he waited. Until the point where my screaming at night became unbearable, until that he's found someone who could love him as a whole.

Then there was Jacob. He's my silver lining on the darkest cloud of Forks. To be honest, if it wasn't him and his pack, I wouldn't have lived. Yet a part of me hated him, I hated the fact that he had saved me, I wish he hadn't. I didn't want to live, not without _him. _That's when Charlie had a heart problem, the doctor told him that it was the stress, the lack of sleep and the way he's been living since I built my cave in my room. I could still remember blaming myself for not taking care of him, for leaving him be to wallow in my hole that I created. I miss Charlie so much. I dream of him sometimes, when I wasn't dreaming of Edward. Charlie would hold my hand and tell me that everything was okay, and find myself happiness. And I thought that I was stubborn, he's even worse. How could he not see that I cannot have happiness without him, how can he not see that I'm forbidden to even smile in the truest sense ever again. It's the way as it's always had been - without him, I'm nothing. Not even human, it's like he's got all of my insides and I'm just there. Just the outside of me. And yes, before you call me sad. After 40 years, he can still make my heart flutter like a teenager. He can still make me blush like I was 4 years old.

I remember at Charlie's funeral, I could make out the faint shape of Edward along the borderline of the trees, and later I thought I saw the silver Volvo. I could still remember what he looked like, the chiseled jaw, the golden eyes, and that faint smile that told me that he was sorry to have lost Charlie too. Then later that night, I thought I heard my window being pushed up, and I could see him, standing in a corner of my room, looking through my books. I was scared that he'll find that particular one that I wrote _Edward Cullen_, over and over until that back 4 pages were full. Yet, a part of me wanted him to find it, I wanted him to see what he did to me. For weeks, I wallowed in my bedroom wishing that Alice or someone, even Rosalie would come back. And they would give me just one hint whether or not they were real. That they existed in my life. And that's all I would've asked for. It was all I could ask for.

And now, that faint smile is back on my doorstep, and I shut the door in his face. I regretted it the moment I closed the door. I should've punched him instead, he deserved it. After everything that he's done, the destruction trail he's left behind him, he expects me to welcome him back with open arms? Who does he think he is?

_Well, he's the love of your life. The guy you've been waiting 40 years for? Remember? The meadow, how he saved you from the van and James? _My softer side urged. I cannot argue with that, it's true. These 40 years, I go to sleep by staring at the window in my bedroom until I was too tired to keep my eyes open. I know how that sounds, sad I know. But what am I supposed to do? I needed him to be happy, to even remotely smile.

_Remember? Jacob can do that too. _My darker side said. Well, Jacob. He found the one that he'll love unconditionally.


	3. Found And Lost, Again

AN: WOW. Sorry guys. I haven't really done much since the last time I was here. TOO BUSY WRITING! :) But anyways, this is the next part of 40 YoA. Enjoy :)

* * *

"Bella?" Kelly called. Kelly is Jacob's wife. Imprinted wife, I should say. The one that he'll love unconditionally. No matter what she did in the past or the future, he'll still love her. I can't help but think that I've influenced him. I still remember the day Jacob imprinted.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------FLASHBACK–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"BELLA!" Jacob shouted, the boom of his voice made the house shake as if Forks had a sudden thunder of rain. Or a snowstorm for that fact.

"What? Jacob, calm down!" I was used to saying that after I found out that he was a werewolf. Whenever he got mad or excited, he would phase and the end result being, me replacing everything in the house. I honestly don't know how many time I've done that. But either way, I'm not the one controlling when he's going to phase. If he doesn't want to stay human, I can't force him.

"Bella! Promise me. Promise me to pinch me as hard as you could. Please!" He pleaded on the calmest voice he could possibly manage.

"What? Have you finally lost your mind? I wouldn't do anything to hurt you. Not even when you plead with me." He really is insane. Why would I want to pinch him anyway?

"Please Bella. Please tell me that this is not a dream. Not one of those where brilliant, fantastic things happen to you, and you wake up to find that dark miserable truth. Please. Just help me make sure. And plus, you won't hurt me. Hurry up and do it!" He said. And so I pinched him. And when I did, he laughed. And when I say laughed, I mean howled. I think the ground was shaking all the way down to La Push.

"Oh my god. It's true! Yes!" And he picked up from the floor and lifted me over his shoulders. He spun round and round until I jerked my foot to his side. And with a single, playful "ow" from him, he let me down on the floor. I straightened out my clothing and frowned at him.

"What now? Did you get a new engine? Or is it because Billy finally agreed to let you have your own truck? What is it?" I pressed.

"Bella, listen extremely carefully." Jacob's face was suddenly serious. That playful smirk was taken over by a sweep of anticipation.

"I. Imprinted."

And I collapsed. All along, I thought that Jacob would be my personal sun for the rest of my life. And even though I still couldn't forget "him", I had Jacob. And for so long, I was so sure that he would be here whenever I need him, and he'll always be waiting in the wings. More or less, it wasn't fair to him. I treated him as my back up, as a person who would patiently wait until I would give him the time of day. Well, I guess I thought wrong.

Why do I feel like this? I should be happy that Jacob's found his love, I should be happy because he's happy. I should be happy that in the future, I won't have to bear the name of the person that ruined my best friend's life. Billy's right. Imprinting really is the most powerful thing. Imprinting is a state of mind where it overlooks everything, over the years of waiting he's done, and over the amount of times I felt his heartbeat next to mine. In so many ways, this is exactly what should happen, I know for a fact that I can't make him stay, I knew that from the beginning. So why did it hurt like this when this was all I wanted from the beginning? Why? Why do I feel unwanted when I was never desired in the first place?

"Bella? Say something please, anything." He said, the euphoria from his realization had died down, and was replaced by a sudden tinge of concern.

"Congrats, Jake. If anyone should imprint next, it's you. Congrats." After I said this, neither of us dared to break the silence. This is the first time I realized how silence is conveyed by most. I thought I was used to it. After months of silence, otherwise screams - I thought I could handle it. Ever since I starting spending time in La Push, laughter surrounded me. I was happy. I haven't found myself, but I was close. It was close enough that could find myself smiling more and more. But while that was going on in my mind, I was losing "him" more and more. It was as if every time I smiled, he would disappear a little more, I would forget the way the lines around his eyes would crease when he was concerned. I didn't want to lose anything that reminded me of him. So I left La Push.

"Bella, you don't look like you're happy... What's wrong? Did you have a dream again?"

"Jake, I lo....no, it's doesn't matter." I was so close to saying it. I begged myself to have the strength to do that, but I can't. I don't think I can ever say that to anyone else other than him.

"Bella. Are you sure? It sounded like it was pretty important.

"Yes, I'm fine. Silly Jacob. I'm just.... shocked. But happy for you." I rebutted. There comes the silence again. And for once, it wasn't welcomed. I didn't want silence, I wanted laughter, I wanted words to express how I felt about him.

"Jake, listen, I have to go. I have something else to do." While I grabbed my bag and headed out the door, I felt myself break all over again.


End file.
